These Words Are My Regrets
by nansomehandsome
Summary: A twoshot of Nate and Blair's relationship.Originally it was just Nate,but I decided to also do a Blair POV.After Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate.He hated her for what she had done to him, and he hated himself more for making her do it. Please read/revie
1. Chapter 1

"This is the book I never read These are the words I never said This is the path I'll never tread These are the dreams I'll dream instead."

- Annie Lennox

When he was eight years old, Nathaniel Archibald had thought that he had everything he could ever want right in the palms of his tiny hands. His family was still intact, and the Archibald name meant nothing if not immense wealth. His father had assured him then, that his future was bright, and that nothing could ever stop him from getting what he wanted. Nate of course, had believed him.

His father was everything he wanted to be, and Nate was sure that when he did finally grow up, he would be exactly like the man who had raised him. Back then, he had never taken for granted his foundations, accepting with grace his golden looks, money, and responsibility. He had even gone so far as to talking to Blair Waldorf, the girl his parents kept insisting he play with.

Nate of course, had not wanted to, but he realized soon enough that Blair was nothing if not persistent. With her curly brown hair always getting into his face while they played, Nate remembered wishing that she would just go away and leave him alone. He was tired of playing with pink Barbie dolls and instead felt that it would be so much more fun to play on the jungle gym with a certain bubbly blonde.

It wasn't just when he was eight that Nate found he felt this way.

Time changed them of course, and it wasn't long before Nate found himself fully immersed in the elite world he had grown up observing. He was the guy to be, and for the life of him Nate could find no reason as to why. He took it in stride, just like he did with everything, and when everyone expected him to date Blair, he did.

She was beautiful now, and Nate found himself starting to like this girl who had always been by him. She loved him, and he would have been lying to say that it didn't flatter him. In the corner of his mind however, Nate couldn't help but feel guilty for feeling that he didn't want her half as much as she wanted him.

He stopped listening to his parents when he got to high school. Nate had been born with a proverbial silver spoon in his mouth, and had never before questioned it. He questioned it now. He found himself living each day as if it were a dream. He couldn't remember conversations on account of his frequent highs, and he couldn't help but wish that his treasured trust fund life would disappear.

Nate stopped appreciating the acknowledging looks he got when he was passed in the hallways, and he stopped appreciating Blair. He'd lost count of how many times they had broke it off, only to get back together the next day. She loved him too much, and he just didn't know any other way.

When he finally did break out of the mold his parents had caste for him, Nate found himself unintentionally hurting the one person who had always stood by him. Those moments with Serena felt so right to him, primarily because they were not scripted into the play known as his life. To be honest, he hadn't even thought of how much his actions would hurt Blair, he hadn't thought about what she had wanted in a very long time.

She had eventually found out about it, and surprisingly, Nate found himself feeling regret rather than relief when she stared at him through her teary eyes. It wasn't until she had really threatened to leave his life forever that Nate realized just how much he had been missing. In his life, there had only been two things that had remained constant: Blair, and her love for him. Now, he had neither, and Nate found himself feeling even more desperate and lost than before.

So of course, he had gone back to her, this time determined to make it work, to show her that she really did mean something to him. Because for once, she did. For the first time, Nate couldn't sleep because he was thinking of seeing her the next day. He couldn't quite breathe right when his arms were around her. Most of all, he knew that he loved her, just as much as she had always loved him.

He hadn't realized then that she had already betrayed him, with his best friend. Of course, he was in no position to throw stones, but his pride and jealousy got the better of him. If Blair had done something like this before, he would have forgiven her, maybe he wouldn't have even cared. But now, he could not get the image of her with someone else out of his head.

He hated her for what she had done to him, and he hated himself more for making her do it. And for once in his life, Nate found that despite his money, looks, and charm, he could not piece together his life to be what it once was.

When he was eight years old, Nathaniel Archibald had thought that he had everything he could ever want right in the palms of his tiny hands. It was when he was seventeen however, that he realized that all he had ever wanted had slipped right out from his hands, before he had even known it was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

"If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world."

- Mercedes Lackey

Growing up with a nanny instead of her mother by her side, Blair had learned early on that the word 'love' meant something entirely different on the Upper East Side than it did in the rest of the world. When she was six, Blair sent her mother a letter in Paris, realizing that she hadn't seen her mother in three months. She had forcibly commandeered her new nanny to ask her mother bluntly, if she loved Blair.

Her mother answered relatively quickly, and within three weeks, Blair was holding in her hands a fancy letter embossed with Parisian monuments. It assured her in clear, size twelve, Times New Roman font that of course her mother loved her, and that she would be home as soon as her finicky client signed the deal. Blair found that she never missed her mother after that.

The first time her parents had told her about Nate Archibald, Blair hadn't been all that excited. Sure, it was nice when her playmates came over and admired her new dolls or fawned over her glossy hair. But boys always ruined her pretty dresses, and they never wanted to play the games she wanted to play. It was her mother that reminded Blair that she was a Waldorf, and Blair learned that she wouldn't always get what she wanted.

Her disappointment however, vanished as soon as Blair had laid eyes on the nervous brown haired boy on her front steps. Blair's knees had buckled and her heart had stopped even before Nate had ever even said a word. In fact, she recalled, he hadn't said much of anything while they played. It was she that initiated conversation, she that tugged his hand to go play, and she who tried so hard to make him laugh so he would just look at her. Blair had never in her life tried so hard to please somebody, not even her mother. In fact, that night had been the beginning of her 'firsts' with Nate. She was only eight, but he was her first love.

She knew that he didn't like her as much as she liked him, and in the beginning, that feeling nagged at her endlessly. Naturally, she was surprised when he had approached her after school one day and asked her to be his girlfriend. Blair could not remember a single day when she had not dreamed of this perfect moment, but when it came, she was slightly disappointed. That night had been her first date.

Nate did not have the romantic lost look in his eyes like she read he was supposed to. He did not stutter or turn red, and his eyes did not shine like Jonas' had before Blair had turned him down earlier in the week. Her disappointed quickly disappeared however, as he pulled out a bouquet of red roses from behind him. He was her perfect prince, and she was willing to change anything and everything to be with him.

Eventually, just as Blair had hoped, Nate began to reciprocate her feelings. He was a dutiful boyfriend, bringing her small presents to make her happy and even larger ones when she was upset. They had been in junior high then, the reigning king and queen of the school, and Blair remembered thinking at that time that she couldn't possibly be any happier. It was then that Blair had first said 'I love you' to anyone besides her father.

She hadn't expected high school to be much different. Sure, she wouldn't see Nate as much on account of them attending different schools, but she trusted him, and she was for once feeling secure about their relationship. Blair rose quickly into Constance's social circle, and with her best friend Serena Van Der Woodsen by her side; she was finally everything her mother had wanted her to be. She had been so wrapped up in keeping up appearances that Blair couldn't even pinpoint the moment her life began to fall apart.

Her dates with Nate grew infrequent, as he now spent most of his days high with his friends from school. Blair found herself telling him time and time again that they were done, that he didn't love her the way she loved him. The next morning, however, she found herself taking him back. She wasn't enough for him, she realized, and Blair wondered what she was doing wrong. It wasn't until she looked in the mirror that she realized that she was not perfect, at least not in the way Serena was. It was then that Blair threw up what she had just eaten for the first, but not last time.

When Serena left suddenly, Blair was heartbroken. Of course, she went to Nate for comfort, but oddly found that he seemed to be even more upset than she was. Her instincts told her to question this, but her love for Nate made her trusting, and she let it go. Her father left shortly after that, and it was Nate that helped hold her together. He still wanted her, still needed her by his side. At least, that was what she convinced herself until the night she lost both her best friend and her boyfriend.

As she tried to sleep, tears wetting her pillow, Blair had vowed to herself that she would never again fall for Nate. Never again would she take back the boy that did not treat her the way she knew she deserved to be treated. Her resolve lasted her all of two days. He had smiled at her, and asked for forgiveness, and she had shamelessly given it to him. She was even more embarrassed when she learned it had all been a ruse so his father could settle a deal with her mother. It was the first time she felt worthless, and it had been the person she loved most in the world that made her feel that way.

She let him go again, and this time she found a distraction to protect her heart from him. Chuck was vile to be sure, but he wanted her in a way Nate had never wanted her, and the look in his eyes told Blair that he was _thisclose _to being in love with her. Nate had never looked at her that way. In fact, the more she was with Chuck, the more she thought about how she was better off without Nate, how she was so much more happier.

He had of course come to her again, begging her forgiveness, and this time, Blair had been ready to tell him to get out of her life. But he was different this time. He was nervous when he talked to her, and his green eyes looked more alive than she had ever seen them before. The way he looked at her told her that this time would be different, that this time would be forever.

Right after the wave of excitement of finally being Nate's girlfriend again washed over her, a weight of regret settled in her stomach. She had betrayed him in the same way he had hurt her, and she knew that he would never forgive her for it.

When he finally did find out about it, Blair knew that he really loved her. If he didn't, Nate would have let it go. He would have wanted to forget about it. Instead, he was angry and hurt, and Blair realized the irony of the fact that when they both finally felt the same way about each other, they could no longer trust each other. That was the first time Blair truly regretted any of her actions. She didn't know if she could ever get him back, or if he'd ever even want her back.

Growing up with a nanny instead of her mother by her side, Blair had learned early on that the word 'love' meant something entirely different on the Upper East Side than it did in the rest of the world. And the one time Blair had experienced that true and pure love; she had lost it just as quickly. With no one, she thought, but herself to blame.


End file.
